An interesting set of words that encompass so many differing things. They can be used as a suggestion, but I most often see or use them in relation to an action or deed. Something that has gone before. In many cases, it is used with a regretful tone or it could be wistful.
“What if I’d taken that path instead of this one, I wonder what would have happened?” Questions are really futile as we will never know the answers to them, yet we pose them very often.
In the days following Kelly’s death we — the family — were often heard to ask questions about how we had dealt with her. Queries about actions we could or should have taken were now moot points because there was nothing else to be done. She was gone, and we were left behind to wonder and worry that we didn’t do enough for her when she was alive. Guilt that comes alongside what – if’s, is also useless because there is nothing you can do to change the situation.
So we are left with guilty consciences, and angst that we didn’t or couldn’t fix her before she got to the point of suicide. Asking ourselves what could we have done to help.
I still don’t have those answers, yet I feel that guilt is not part of them. We all did what we could with what we had, and nothing can change that. I choose to look at Kelly’s life as being destined to be a short one. We all (those of us around her) learned life lessons from her death. So perhaps we can take some comfort from this, and take the lesson. In the future when I see something similar to Kelly’s last months, I hope that I can be more compassionate and perhaps helpful.
I now look at death in a different way than the way I did twenty-two years ago — I’m different now and rightly so. I’ve pondered on other deaths that have affected me also. Today is ANZAC day in Australia and we remember all those soldiers who died so that we could be safe and comfortable. They left a legacy, so I now look for the legacy that others leave us because there are always lessons to be learned. Forever young.