We’d all like to think that most of the time we are in control. Of ourselves, our situation or even others. But I’ve learnt that control is at best an illusion, something we fool ourselves into thinking we have.

There have been many times in my life that I have longed for a little bit more self-control, situations that would have been easier if it could have been managed. Then there have been times when I have surrendered all control and allowed the real me to appear — in public. And there’s a certain freedom in allowing that.

As a child I recall being admonished by my mother to have a bit more self-control, because she hated it when I let loose with my emotions and embarrassed her in public. My mother had had a fairly genteel upbringing and had married into a ‘lower’ social group (in her opinion). She had attended an all girls boarding school where she was drilled with ‘proper’ manners and liked to try and instill those into me. So when I was frustrated or angry I loved to push her buttons and be out of control. I learnt that controlling ones’ emotions in public — or anywhere for that matter — was of utmost importance to be considered a lady!

When I stepped into the aftermath of Kelly’s suicide, with my house taken over by ambulance and policemen, there was a subconscious need for control — of my emotions. Hence I appeared to be supremely in control which allowed me to acknowledge one of the paramedics working on her lifeless body before turning to offer comfort to my husband. Years of stringent nursing training came to the fore, presenting me as a master of control. It was so convincing that one of the policemen commented that I must be the strong one. But inside I was an absolute mess, which was revealed when I had to leave a message on my son’s phone. I screamed at him to pick up the f’ing phone because his sister was dead! Not very well controlled at all.

In the days following Kelly’s death, I let go of any attempts at being in control, allowing myself to cry; to not wear any makeup — what was the point as the tears kept washing it all away.

Kelly’s death changed the way I look at control, how I use it and when. Recently I read an interesting chapter about the two types of control available to us: the things we absolutely cannot control and the things we absolutely can control. (Gay Hendricks – The Joy of Genius)

When you break down any situation in life into one of these two categories it makes everything so much easier. If it is something you cannot control, then let it go — relax because there is no use worrying about it if you can’t do anything to change it. If it is something you can control — then do your best. Just go with the flow and be at peace in your life.