Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes there is more of one than the other. How we deal with them is often dependent on other factors occurring in our lives at the same time.
I’ve had more than my fair share of down moments in my life and never more than after Kelly died. I guess they come with the territory of grief. Initially, it was expected to feel sadness almost constantly, but after a while, it began to seem a little indulgent — selfish even. So I would try to hide how I was feeling, so as not to upset others around me —these were my thoughts and not necessarily true. Putting on a smiling happy face is not easy when you feel like crap.
In the early days after her death Ross and I learned to share with each other how we were feeling — we would say “I’m having an attack of the Kellys” which would then let the other know that we were feeling down. It made it easier to deal with, and accept how the other person was feeling, and let them be with that.
It got easier over time, and not so constant. I learned to ride with the feelings and not put too much emphasis on them. It was all too easy to be overly bright even when inside I didn’t feel like that at all. I started to feel that people were sick of my gloomy face and moods. Of course, these moods would often occur when there were milestones such as birthdays and Christmas time. But even with them now I seem to be able to navigate much more easily, which is most likely related to the time factor.
Then I realised that having these ups and downs following the loss of a loved one is perfectly normal. Expected in fact and even acceptable. But it was a slow journey getting to that realisation. I think that having good days and down days is quite normal even for people who haven’t experienced the sudden death of a loved one. Perhaps it is part of the cycle of life and we need to accept it as such.
For, once I noticed what was happening then the next step was to do something about it. So I learned to acknowledge when a down day or a sad one was upon me. I wouldn’t necessarily say it out loud, but simply acknowledge my feelings and allow them. I’d tell myself it was okay to feel that way and that I could just let myself take some time out quietly. Once I started doing this I noticed that my sadness and depression would just fade away. By allowing myself to be sad, down, or depressed, I shortened the length of time I felt that way.
So now whenever I feel that depression or sadness it is simply a matter of acknowledging that feeling, and then allowing myself some time to be in that zone. Once I’ve done that it just seems to fade away — perhaps because time is on my side and it has been over twenty years since Kelly’s suicide, or maybe I’m just getting better at managing my feelings.