I remember as a child when I’d been lucky enough to have a ride on merry-go-round how it felt when I first got off — dizzy, but euphoric as well.
That probably best describes how I’ve been feeling for the past week or so, as it has gradually sunk in that surgery — amongst other choice medical things is not on the immediate radar. In fact, hopefully not ever on my radar.
I made the comment when I was first given the news that potentially I had lung cancer, that I’d stepped on the medical merry-go-round. And thats exactly what it feels like. You aren’t given much time to think over the doctors suggestions, simply expected to do as they tell you.
Actually it was rather amusing to see the reaction of my specialist when I said no to a biopsy first up. He was a bit shocked to have a patient speak up for themselves I think. I eventually conceded, but that was two visits later after a barrage of tests and it appeared to be the only option left. Still it was a good feeling to keep some control over my life when everything seemed to be moving at a rapid pace.
So after a while riding that horse, you become accustomed to the medical sense of urgency. The belief that ‘they’ know all and you are just there at their bidding with no real autonomy — just another number. Especially in the public system — I’d had to wait three months to see the specialist in the beginning.
It becomes difficult to maintain the positive thinking; to focus on anything but the negative outlook the doctors convey. Oh they speak in generally hopeful terms, but the tone and the language leaves you feeling that all will not be well in your world.
So now, back to the positive mindset which is my default. It’s feeling great to not be striving for optimism but to revert to my ‘normal’ optimistic and positive self.
Now I’m really ready to live my life fully again; to enjoy every moment I can and stop the doubtfull background thinking that doctors, x-rays, hospitals and so on instill in you.
I’m alive and loving it.