“Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes.” Samuel Butler.
Some milestones can be looked at as having been endured, others as amazing achievements. Over the past nineteen years there have been many milestones of the enduring kind — not ones I’ve anxiously looked forward to but rather noted as I’ve looked back.
I’m about to mark the nineteenth anniversary since my beautiful girl took her own life. That’s a significant milestone in anyone’s language and one that no-one would choose to celebrate .
Reflecting on those years there has been much to be endured, and yet there has also been growth. I don’t think that many people remain the same over the years as there will be changes that are made without choice. Of course we can also choose to make changes, but those don’t seem to merit much consideration unlike those we have to accept wether we like or not.
Every year has been different and I suppose the only constant is the fact that she will never return. For the first few years I inwardly raged against the unfairness of it all. Then gradually came an acceptance of the reality. I had to accept that despite not liking my situation, there was nothing to do to reverse the it. I could only move on by accepting her death; therefor I made the choice because to not do so was intolerable.
There are many sayings about life and death most likely because it is an enduring topic. We are all living life as we anticipate death. And whilst there is a knowing that ultimately death will come to us, it is very difficult accepting the reality when it comes to those we love.
Wayne Dyer famously said “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” and when I reflect on life after Kelly then I can see that out of necessity I changed my way of looking at life.
Learning how to enjoy life hasn’t been easy, but there have been some amazing times and I look forward to many more. I’m still sad to not have the physical version of my daughter with me, but I have many wonderful memories — and some not so wonderful — to carry with me.
In the words of Mary Englebreit:
“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”
