Most of us don’t really understand grief and all its quirks — quite a sweeping statement I know, but when you really examine it, it’s not always how you think it should be.
We all experience grief at times in our lives, sometimes it can be debilitating, other times relatively fleeting. Take the death of a pet as an example; initially, the grief is intense, but it begins to fade in a reasonably short space of time. Often we console ourselves by getting another one, and sure we will often think about the first one with sadness but the new pet takes over. It demands your attention and love, so the other just fades into the background. You won’t actually forget completely, but the memories blur and often dissipate.
Whereas the loss of a child, spouse, parent, relative, or friend can have a much more acute type of grief. And it seems to be more lasting than that of a much-loved pet. We tend to have markers such as a grave and headstone, or plaques to show a little about the person who has died. With a pet — well at least in my case — we had one buried in the back yard and then a shed was built over it. Another was buried in the garden and we did make a small shrine next to it and burned candles for a time, but then we sold that house and moved away. So it is not a grave that we can visit — and sometimes I have to think really hard to recall the actual names of them.
With Kelly, we have a grave with a headstone, complete with a photo along with the usual dates and minor information for any stranger to read. Although it is precious to us, it is simply a sad marker of a young woman who died much too young. In the early days, I visited that grave every week — initially several times a week. And then it was weekly, and gradually it petered off as I came to the realisation that she wasn’t really there anymore. She was with me in my heart wherever I went and it didn’t seem as important to visit the graveside anymore.
We all grieve differently, but I believe that despite some people seemingly — to all outward appearances — accepting of death, others seem to take much longer. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, however you do it is the right way for you. My initial reaction was to rage against it — finding it too difficult to accept. But over time that has mellowed and now there is acceptance and the residual sadness that probably will never go away, isn’t on display anymore.
So if you know of someone who has lost a close connection, then give them the space to grieve in their own time and way. Know that however they grieve — is their way, and whilst they will still need comfort, they don’t need criticism or to be made to feel that it is wrong. Just be there to support them — let them take the Hare approach if that is what they need — there is no race here.