Sometimes it is necessary to withdraw from the world for a while. to preserve your sanity and rewind. There can be feelings of pressure to perform appropriately for those around us. Well, there may not be pressure but rather it is perceived as such. So it’s just how you feel at that time.
I grew up on a farm with no other children nearby. So I learned how to be by myself. I often prefer to be alone, but I also need people to interact with at times. There is a difference between being alone and lonely; sometimes I get lonely, but mostly I’m happy to have some time alone. Perhaps it is a form of depression but I’m not sure that every emotion needs a label. Sure I also get depressed at times, but I believe that is just a part that fluctuates according to life events.
After Kelly died, we were surrounded by family and friends, which was wonderful. It was lovely to know that we had such great support in our time of need. There was always someone there to hug you or talk to if you needed. But that was only in the first weeks. After that life gradually settled back into something resembling ‘normal’ but it didn’t feel like that. There was an emptiness that hadn’t been there before — something very different from the previous version of normal.
Often people think that you cant be on your own following such a death — but is it just that they think you shouldn’t be alone? I believe that we tend to do for others what we’d like to have for ourselves. But that may not necessarily be what is right for that person.
Experiencing the death of a child is a whole new world and can take quite a long time to accept that the loss is permanent. That this is how it is now and how it always will be. So well-meaning friends may not be thinking about how you are feeling, but rather how they would like you to feel.
We all want the best for our family and friends, but is our best what they need? Sometimes we need to accept that a person may just know what they need for themselves, without being steered into a situation that may feel uncomfortable.
So if you ever have the need to support someone in their grief, then perhaps — after the initial shock — you could ask them what they need. Do they need a time out alone, or to be surrounded by supportive friends and family?
We all grieve in our own way — and that may not be the way others see as the ‘right’ way. However it works is all that matters. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It can’t be done by the book. So whichever way someone is grieving it is their right way and we need to respect that. If they want to laugh or cry, talk or not then allow them their time as needed. I think that the most important thing is to ensure that the grieving person is aware that there is always help available — someone to talk to if they need it.