Two weeks ago I made my visit to the Specialist to find out my fate. I’d had my biopsy — and what a fun time that was! I’d managed the subsequent collapsed lung okay, although it still gave me some trouble at times. So Ross and I presented ourselves to find out the result of the biopsy. I was more than a little anxious and I’m sure he was too, although we pretended really well that whatever the outcome we’d be okay with it. 
The doctor called us in to his room saying: “Well I don’t have any bad news for you !” Interesting choice of words I thought — why not say its good news? Anyway he is not prepared to concede it is good news, but it is not all bad. So I guess I have to run with that. I’m not completely off the hook just because the specimens they took don’t show any cancer. So now the waiting resumes, as I’m to repeat the CT in a few weeks time and then ‘they’ will decide what to do then. If the tumour has grown then I’m off to have a chat with the surgeon. But at least he did concede that it appeared to be a little smaller when they did the biopsy. Happy days!
From the outset I have chosen to go with the flow, accepting that it is what it is. However I have discovered quite a lot about myself over the past few weeks — months really if I count getting asthma too. I’ve learnt that some of the people around me see that I’m actually worth loving. And I’ve certainly had plenty of that. It most certainly was there all the time but in my feelings of unworthiness I couldn’t really see or feel it. I do now.
I also have found amazing support in my doctor — my GP; my naturopath, my pranic healer and of course in my own ability to take care of myself. I’ve also had lots of time to reflect on my situation — not all of it positive — but the negative aspects have to be dealt with before you can see the better side of life.
Undoubtedly the biggest revelation has been that I don’t have to do everything myself. That it’s alright to ask for help or assistance — no-one is going to suggest I should manage every little thing because it is my life. Thats what friends are for.
I’ve also realised that I don’t have to take the blame for all of the major disasters in my life. Yes, there have been some very shitty things happen but I’m not the one responsible for all of them. Kelly chose to take her own life and whilst that is a tragedy, there has been much to learn from it. Maybe if i’d known then what I know now I could have done more to stop it. But then again maybe not.
I will never know, and I don’t think I really want to. Really I’ve had rather an amazing life and I’m anticipating a lot more of it with gratitude.
Reprieve or Awakening
