We talk about our numbers often — we might say “When your numbers are up, your numbers are up!” Whatever that means. But in reality, we all have numbers that came with us at birth. I think some of us have many of them and others don’t get many.
The ones that didn’t get many are those that die young — like our Kelly. She wasn’t allocated a few decades worth so she died young. Then some live long and full lives and we are surprised when they eventually die.
My older brother has Parkinson’s and is struggling with everyday living. It’s hard to see, but we get glimpses of the man he used to be which is comforting. But then he has a fall and then we think that his number must be ‘up’ but he rallies and keeps on going. So his time hasn’t come yet. But watching and waiting for those close to him is difficult. He lives a distance away and each time I go to see him I come away thinking that this will be the last time. And then we get to see him again
Sudden death, such as suicide is very difficult to comprehend. We talk about them dying too young and yet older people suicide as well. Life can become too difficult to manage so they think that they are doing their family a favour by dying.
I have a friend whose elderly mother is now dying. She has just had her ninety-fourth birthday but has since become unresponsive and the family is just waiting for that final moment. And even though they know there is no way out of this — that she will die at some stage soon, it will still be a shock. Any death brings with it some degree of shock.
We talk about that person now being at peace, and that it is a relief, that they aren’t suffering anymore, but it is nevertheless very hard for the family remaining behind.
The grief that follows death is different for the varying ages and the roles those who have died play in our lives. As a parent, it is difficult to accept that your child has gone before you. When the loss is that of a husband or wife it brings another kind of grieving — the loss of companionship, a lover, and a friend. We see the loss of so much potential in a younger person and grieve for the loss of potential grandchildren or simply the pride in watching their achievements. We bemoan that they went instead of us — and why couldn’t we have gone first? When our elderly parents die we are saddened despite knowing that they had lived the life they were meant to. We wish that they were still here as there are still questions to ask and perhaps we’d like to tell them we love them one more time. Or there may be anger to resolve
I suppose life is a lottery — we never actually know when we will die, and most of us hope that we have many more years to live. Even those who have terminal illnesses don’t know their actual date of death. I think it would be awful to know when you were going to die, so much better to keep on living until you don’t.
Reality stares us in the face as we are all dying at some point in time, but it is up to us to make the most of the time we have on this earth — to enjoy the numbers we have been given for this lifetime. We are simply living to die.
Footnote: My friend’s mother passed away and whilst there is grief, there is also joy that she is no longer sitting in her nursing home waiting for death to claim her. She has lived her life well and now it is done.