Yesterday I was talking to a lady who spoke about her dog dying. She had tears in her eyes and was quite upset, concerned because it has been six months since her beloved pet died. She was worrying because she is still grieving, even though she has another dog and much has moved on in her life. I said to her that grief has no timeline, which made her stop and think, then she nodded and seemed to understand.
It made me think of the time when I had not long returned to work after Kelly died, and I was walking down the street one lunchtime. I met up with a work colleague, an older man who was generally known as a wise one in our workplace. We stopped to chat and then he said ‘Haven’t you got over it yet?’ I just looked at him quite dumbstruck, and then he said ‘I suppose that was a silly thing to say!’ I agreed with him, and we went our separate ways.
Well its been nineteen and a half years now, and I still haven’t gotten over it. I still grieve, although it is quite a different grief than it was a few weeks after her death. Whilst some people may seem to have gotten over a close death – and appear to have moved on, I would suggest that they are just better at masking their feelings. Me – I’m a watering pot, and the smallest memory can set me off. But these days I manage to contain myself much more than I did back then.
Everyone manages their grief differently and there are no rules around how long you hold that sadness and distress. A few months after Kelly had passed, I came home one evening to find Ross sitting outside with music blasting, candles lit and just remembering. I mentally rolled my eyes as I got out of the car and then it struck me – that was his way of dealing with his grief. Mine was different but that didn’t mean that either of us was wrong, we simply managed our grief in our own ways. And thats all good.
The strange thing was that when I accepted his way of grieving, it seemed to make mine much easier to bear. So don’t ever think that enough time has passed for you to have moved on because I believe that our grief lives with us for the rest of our lives. However we transition to the point that we can accept it better and it doesn’t show as much to the outside world.
So if you see me laughing and having a good time, it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten about Kelly, it may simply mean that I’m living my life. Because life really is meant for the living.