We always have a Christmas tree — a real one every year. Even though it is just Ross and I, we feel it enhances our Christmas spirit. Plus it gives us somewhere to put the presents as we prepare for the big day. Anticipation builds when you see a present appear and it has your name on it, so I’m really looking forward to tomorrow morning when I get to finally see.

Over the years I’ve had small grandchildren helping me to decorate the tree — it has been my domain for the past nineteen years. Before that the girls had the honour of the decorating. But for the past years, once the grandchildren got old enough to not want to help with the tree, it has been almost a chore to do. We get the smallest tree we can, and this year Ross collected it on his own, brought it home and set it up and then had a go at decorating. Immediately I felt that I was back in the days of small children helping me, where they had to put all the decorations available on and most of those went on the bottom of the tree. It was rather funny really.

So I removed them all and sorted through my decorations box to find all the special items that we’ve collected over the years. Memories that take you back to a Christmas past, or that gifted decoration and those we’ve brought back from special holidays. Plus there are the ones hand-made with love. I don’t really have a theme or a colour scheme but it was lovely to take each one out and remember.

Christmas time for me has become a day where I go through the motions but don’t really enjoy all the hype that accompanies the lead up to the big day. I have that sadness that sits on my chest when I think back to the last Christmas we had with Kelly. The laughter and frivolity that surrounded us that day, and then to the first Christmas we had without her. That was the saddest one we’ve ever had and my heart goes out to all who have to experience such a day without a loved one.

The one item I don’t have on my Christmas tree is an angel for the top — because I think mine is out there hovering around wishing us all the best for this year. So for all those who may be suffering with their loss this year, be comforted that it does get easier to bear and that you will be able to smile and laugh again — and that it doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten them. I like to think that Kelly would want me to remember the good times we had, and to keep the sadness but not allow it to take us away from those who we are making new memories with now. Life is meant for the living.